Topic: confidence. & standing up for oneself
Dear Simone,
I wanted to follow up after our call yesterday – which was a particularly powerful one for me.
Also, to let you know how genuinely moving it was when I spoke with A. [her son 8 years old]. I did so, immediately on picking him up from school and was quite taken aback by how he responded; as I had been anticipating push back and anxiety. Instead, he listened deeply to what I was saying, had zero resistance and said he’d like me and his dad to be the ones to tell his one year older friend X. [who caused him much anxiety] that we don’t want the boys playing together.
His sister B. [13 years] also gave such a beautiful response, when I shared with her what his dad and I had decided (I chatted to his dad after speaking with you). I chatted with B. and A. before bedtime and B. said to A. [her brother], “you know A., for a long time, when I was little, mum always stood up for me with my dad. And then there came a time when I could stand up for myself and say no to him. And you will get there too.” It was very moving!
Again, no push back from B., or protective energy to X., just absolute acceptance and A. also suggested his own reason to give X. and also Y. – the son of the other family we have had problems with, as his dad and I feel if A. isn’t going to X’s house, this makes sense to extend to the other family’s house, as we have no connection or communication with them. A. is simply going to say: “My mum doesn’t want me coming over.”
His father is going to speak to the Father of X. today, just to make the situation clear as well.
As for what it stirred up = well, as they say, big insights are timely. I know you’ve spoken before about wanting me to feel I can stand up for myself, and also how I got trained well as a child to not do that. I woke in the middle of the night and got some paper and a pen out and wrote and wrote and wrote about all the times where I have felt my own version of what A. has felt – specifically with his father. I am not sure if you would say that’s very helpful or not, but my God, the tears fell, I was practically soaked through! It felt so cathartic.
Anyway, the point is, after about an hour of writing all of this, I realised, this is the opportunity: to stand up for myself. Not to avoid his father, or walk around him and worry about being blamed for everything or being on the receiving end of his resentments etc, but just to stand up for myself. In the same way you said unless A can say to X., a version of Bugger off X, that that energy is something I can just be happy to dispense when necessary too. And it just transformed my outlook, and energy! From victim, to okay: challenge accepted.
… last night he was just so happy. as if liberated from a bad spell.
And lastly, I can’t tell you the joy of my son A. last night he was just so happy. as if liberated from a bad spell. He was literally laughing and joyful and so sweet and just loving and an 8 year old kid again. I mean I could write a 1000 words about how lovely it was, but essentially just that: like he got let out of some internal cave…
And also, lastly!! also, just to say, how much joy there is to see that my daughter B. can stick up for herself.
That she has been on this journey – and even at her new school there is one girl who we knew was tricky with other girls and B., my daughter, has been so confident and at ease in herself with this girl, and she has handled it so well, and with real grace. Immediately, on an energetic font she just let the girl know that she wasn’t up for being bullied, and was willing to stand up to her when she was unkind to other girls.
And so far at least, this girl just doesn’t bring that energy to B. at all. And it’s a sort of positive loop isn’t it? As B. feels empowered by this – and her confidence grows.
Anyway: be good to chat more about this with you next time.
C. Mum of a 13 and 8 year old xx
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